WARNING!! This post is sexual in nature and may be explicit to some.
Hello beautiful humans! I hope everyone is taking in the sunshine and becoming more hopeful that the winter is finally over 
Not that the winter here was by any means horrible, but grey, which is just as, if not worse, than the cold. Today we will jump into when I arrive in British Colombia after having left England after 2 years. It’s not completely anxiety and panic-focused but is part of my continuing journey of learning to live in relief with anxiety and panic disorder all the same. With that, let’s get down to it, shall we!
The sun beamed down as I exited the airport doors, after a 10-hour flight I was ready for a cigarette, and the bright morning was a definite warm (no pun intended) welcome back to Canada. As I smoked my cigarette I relished in the new environment I just entered but also felt like I was ready for dinner. It may have been 11am in Vancouver but for me, it was 7pm as my brain and body were obviously still on UK time. It wasn’t long until my dad appeared and a long hug was had we hadn’t seen one another in 2 years since I’d moved to England and he drove across Canada to BC. We made our way to a little Vietnamese restaurant seeing as we were both famished and then headed to his twin sister’s place who didn’t live that far from the airport. Suffice it to say, I fell asleep shortly after we arrived but was up and ready for morning at 3am. After breakfast with my aunt and cousin my dad and I headed out for our 5-hour drive to the Okanogan.
The small town of Sicamous, for I thought would be my new home for only the summer months, but, plans don’t always go as, well, planned. The town was like something I’d never seen before, the scenery was perfection with the Shushwap Lake expanding into a backdrop of mountains. To add to the beauty, my new balcony overlooked that exact scene and I was in awe. On the job front, I had been emailing a General Manager, who we’ll call Sebastian, of 1 of the 2 restaurants in town prior to arriving and quickly met with him in person on my 2nd day there. I secured a job as one of the shift managers while also serving and bartending when needed though I was not supposed to begin work for a couple of weeks to get over my jet lag and settle in. The tourist season began a bit earlier and I ended up having to begin work my first weekend in town. That, however, was not what surprised me the most upon arrival to this small town. When I walked through to the server’s station on my first shift I was greeted by less-than-friendly women chatting amongst themselves but stopped, very obviously, to stare at me like I had a huge gouber on my face. “Don’t take it personally” I heard a man say from behind them. When they moved the slightest inch so I could get by, I saw it was one of the cooks, we’ll call him Phoenix. “You’re the new girl and basically have been the talk of the town” he then said. “The town? Don’t you mean restaurant?” I asked, hoping his words were just the expression. “Nope, town! Sebastian told the staff we were getting a girl moving from England, which made its way throughout town!” I didn’t believe him though that quickly changed when I appeared at a table to take a drink order and one of the men asked me if I was the girl from England. I nervously laughed and explained while, yes I was living there I was not from there but from another part of Canada. Sicamous on the off-season only has a population of a little over 2000 which means everybody literally knows everybody! Gossip gets around very quickly. Not only that but because everyone pretty well grew up together, when a new person comes to town, most are standoffish until-if they choose to-know you. Otherwise, you have entered a town that acts like a high school. I didn’t really feel any anxiety when I encountered those who decided to snub me at first but I did feel a bit agitated in a way I hadn’t really experienced before. To me, at first, they were very closed-minded. If they weren’t ignoring me they were asking me why I would ever leave the country and it made me notice this awful punch-like feeling in the upper part of my stomach. I hadn’t felt that before so it had me a bit concerned but with the pleasant scenery all around and being surrounded by nature, I stepped outside and took a walk, did some grounding exercises. I focused on the sounds of birds, the crunching of the leaves made by the deer, the sight of the alluring mountains, and the scent of the fresh clean air. It was most probably the quickest the grounding exercises had worked then. Not only was the picturesque location unlike anything I’d seen before but it helped me get into a more relaxed headspace and really appreciate everything that was around me.
The first shift at work was eventful, to say the least, not only was the new girl in town training to be a shift manager but I was also so, very tired and still jet lagged. When the night slowed down I made my way back to the server’s station and on the back counter was the pass for the kitchen. I decided to rest my head in the palm of my hand until I was broken out of my open-eyed sleep by an angry but curious “What the fuck are you looking at?” As my head snapped toward the rude voice, I saw a tall, very hot, Ashton Kutcher look-alike, cook standing before me actually waiting for a reply. “Not fucking much asshole!” I responded and turned away. I thought that was the end of it but I was wrong as he continued to say “Sorry I’m only nice to management” I laughed somewhat devilishly, “Lucky for you, I’m one of the new managers!” and that shut him up…for a little while (this man would become my husband, whom we will call Bruce). Is that a meeting or what? But more on this soon-to-be relationship in another post after the shift I just wanted to go home and sleep and try not to replay the situation I just had with the Bruce, the aggravating cook.
On my first day off I was running on fumes so I decided to get some junk food, Sauvignon Blanc, and rewatch one of my favorite shows, the newest season hadn’t been out quite yet, “True Blood” I discovered “True Blood” while in England through a friend, and I cannot thank that friend enough. I could actually make a whole post dedicated to this show and its brilliance, but I won’t. “True Blood” is one of those shows that I find comfort in even though it was out of your seat, nail biters sometimes. Another point I would like to comment on is, Mr. Alexander Skarsgard!!! This is also where I discovered this wonderful man. Not only is he swoon-worthy, because let’s be real, he is, but he’s also an exceptional actor. Upon this discovery, I did what anyone would do and Googled him. I decided I would watch, pretty much everything he’s been in and I now watch anything new he’s in too. I really appreciate the projects he takes on as they’re so unique and complement the genuineness of his acting. No two projects he’s been in have been the same or even similar and I really admire that about him. But back to “True Blood”, it’s one of those shows I tune into whenever I’m tired, down, anxious, or even if I want to feel sexy. It’s almost like a safe zone for me and I tune in whenever I need a “pick me up”. There are also scenes that I will say I can sometimes fantasize about or even hope some hot man and I can re-create 
which brings me to the man I began to see, before Bruce, in Sicamous and we’ll call him Jace.
Where to even begin about Jace? He started at the restaurant a few weeks after I did and from the moment he walked through the door, I was drawn to him. He was…tantalizing…the only word I think of that can really describe how attractive he was. He was, of course, from the area and most of the women knew who he was and most of the women were also attracted to him. I didn’t think I stood any sort of chance with him. After a few shifts of working closely with Jace, we began to have good conversations and I was always left wanting more. One night, I was able to let him off early as it slowed down and I didn’t anticipate any action happening, however, an hour after he clocked out a phone call came in at the bar and it was him requesting to speak to me! I squealed with excitement and grabbed the phone in gitty anticipation. To my surprise, he asked me out, for that evening when I was finished work. Of course, I said yes and couldn’t wait to finish. We ended up watching a movie together and getting to know one another on a deeper level with conversation we couldn’t quite have in the presence of staff at work. Again, I wanted more and we went out again. This led to some pretty steamy nights in his bedroom, in the shower, and at the beach. It wasn’t quite the same as a “True Blood” scene but it came pretty close we also maintained a friendship, even after the sex stopped. We got to know one another quite well and were open about our mental health challenges because as much as I was trying to find ways of feeling relief with anxiety he was facing obstacles with depression. We did build trust within one another and were able to provide comfort when needed. As bad as this may sound when you build friendships with those who do deal with mental health issues, it provides a sort of relief. They, on some level, can relate to you and therefore can better understand than those who don’t struggle with mental health concerns. We maintained a friendship while I remained in Sicamous but when me and Bruce moved on to Vancouver (which will be in another post) our friendship dissolved. I will say that he now has an extraordinary career helping others with mental health and addiction struggles and I am so happy for him and grateful I got to know him.
I will leave you here for this post but will talk more about Sicamous and how my relationship began with Bruce in the next. It will also detail how my anxiety disorder affected Bruce and I’s relationship in the beginning and how we moved through it together. I know today’s post may have felt like it was winding in all sorts of directions but I wanted to put it out there that this was another big change for me with some more uncertainties and new people. I feel like I had come a long way in handling some of my emotions, including the agitation I felt towards some when I first arrived. I had to work out why that agitation felt so strongly and at that moment I didn’t comprehend the “why” of it but the grounding and focusing on the beauty around me provided relief. It lead me closer to learning about mindfulness a more in-depth manner.
Be kind to yourself xo