Hello everyone! I hope y’all are enjoying your summer filled with lots of sunshine 
Today I’m going to be digging deeper into when my anxiety began to get pretty bad and kind of build where we last left off. I’d like to give everyone some insight into where it began to grow, where I looked to cope, and what I took from it.
In college that weird feeling that only used to happen after the attack came and went, started to show up more often even when no attack was present. It was still hard to put words to, but it felt like doom was coming and pushing my thoughts intrusively making me think I was dying. Sometimes it would be just for one day then other times 2 days in a row.
By now I had told both my parents what was happening to the best of my abilities, but they still didn’t understand and basically said to try and take my mind off it. I also opened up to a friend from college, whom we’ll call Rayna, I was becoming close with. She was empathetic towards it and told me it sounded like I was having panic attacks. That was the first I’d really heard someone classify it as something. As silly as it sounds, giving it a name helped me in some ways, as it gave me hope that I wasn’t dying nor that I was going crazy.
When I got home, I excitedly hopped online and started searching “panic attacks”. I clicked on every link that presented itself on that first page. They all listed the same main feelings, exactly what I felt during the actual attacks, but it didn’t really have anything on the thoughts of death. I didn’t give up my research though and every time that weird feeling with the intrusive thoughts came, back online I went.
A few weeks after classifying my attacks, a girl in our program fell ill and an ambulance had to be called when she fainted. As I walked down the hall, I spotted a stretcher and my weird feeling returned, which left me uneasy for the rest of the day. The next morning my class was due in the same room as the ill student had been. I could feel the all-consuming fear begin to rise inside me from the moment I sat down. The professor began speaking about what had happened to the student but assured everyone she would be all right. When the professor began the lesson, my fear had risen to its highest point, and I couldn’t even hear what was going on in class. I felt so dissociated that I had to get out of there and quickly left the class without a word. In the hallway, I leaned my back against the wall and thought “FUCK! I’m alone” and as fast as I thought that Rayna was in the hall with me. “You’re having an attack, aren’t you?” she asked. I couldn’t quite muster the words, so I nodded in turn. “Let’s go outside for some air,” she said, and we took a walk along the outside of the building.
She talked me down and suggested a few things I could try when the attacks hit. As the website said, she got me to try deep breathing. Inhale for four seconds and exhale for four seconds. In the moment of the attack, the tip from the net didn’t register as it was hard to pull away and contemplate anything else. As Rayna explained, it may be difficult to get up and move around because you can feel paralyzed with fear, but just the simple task of walking around, even in the house, is a great way to get back to the present. Once your body moves, it becomes easier to do deep breathing and ensure your focus is on your breath.
She was right! It took a little while for me to remember when an attack hit, but once you get in the habit, it becomes almost muscle memory. It didn’t stop the attacks from happening, but it gave a sort of outlet for releasing the fear. The deep breathing also assisted in my heartbeat returning to normal quicker than resisting and waiting for the attack to go away.
With all that said, it showed me that something I thought wouldn’t work and was just something TV shows gave as advice to characters freaking out, worked, and worked well. Even with the knowledge and techniques that I have acquired since this is something I go back to when I feel an attack coming on.
Thank you for reading today’s post! I hope you can take this practice with you and have it provide some relief when you need it! Be kind to yourself.