My first experience with anxiety came in the form of a panic attack. It was the summer just before my senior year of high school on a night when the air was thick with humidity. My parents and brother were in bed and I was, definitely going to date myself here, chatting on ICQ messenger and had JLo and Ja Rule playing lowly on my parent’s stereo system. Suddenly, I was hit with a massive feeling of mind-bending fear and immediately jumped out of my chair. I hadn’t a clue what was happening, except that the feelings were intensifying quickly. I rushed to turn everything off, but my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and a tingling sensation began trickling down my forearms into my hands. The only way I could describe what was happening was that I felt like I was dying.
Now, before I continue a bit further into my first panic attack, I want to put it out there that I was raised Catholic and I may not practice every aspect of it anymore, I do still believe in God and pray at times. So, once everything was turned off, I ran right upstairs to bed! I didn’t want to wake anyone because what would I say? “I’m dying?” I couldn’t put into words what was happening to myself let alone describe it to my parents. Plus, to add to the feeling of impending doom it seemed like no one could help me anyway as a voice in my head kept repeating that a doctor couldn’t even save me. The best solution, at the time, was to get into bed and pray. Not prayers for myself but the traditional prayers like Hail Mary and Our Father as well as the Act of Contrition until I eventually fell asleep.
The next morning, the whole day really, I was consumed with weird feelings and thought that I was going to die. My cousin was over when I got up and went downstairs to have coffee and breakfast and I tried to describe to her and my mum what I had experienced though it proved to be tough. Firstly, because I had no idea what to actually say and secondly, I felt kind of crazy. What would they think? I felt so weird that I needed to say something, anything. As I predicted though, it wasn’t coming out properly at all. My cousin suggested it could have been heart palpitations, but mum quickly nipped that idea in the bud and I began to wonder what should I do now. Luckily, the day after that I felt back to my normal self. I still had a fear in the back of my mind, not the same fear that I was dying but the fear that it would happen again.
That first time, not that I knew it then, was the start of something that would gradually be a part of my life.
The second time it happened to me was a couple of months later and felt exactly like the first time all over again. The same pattern happened with the weird feelings the next day and gone the day after. The third time, however, was during the day. I couldn’t run to bed this time and to top it off I had 2 friends sitting next to me and I started to cry. What was happening to me? Having it strike during the day did cause the weird feeling I normally experienced the day after to not occur and totally changed the course of things and how I had to deal with it.
The one thing that I would say became a positive of this third time was that I was able to express myself as soon as the feelings of the attack began to subside. The attack itself only really lasted 5 to 7 minutes though going through it felt like forever. Being able, forced rather, to open up to a close friend about what I just felt and experienced was…. liberating! Like it almost took away some of its power at that moment. Back then there were next to no resources that could help explain what was happening to you so you took what you could as a win. I took my time in explaining to my close friends what had just happened but talking through what it felt like; racing heart, tingles in my arms and hands, periods of hot and then cold, to name a few, brought me a whole new light. It didn’t stop the attacks from happening periodically, but it certainly helped knowing I could open up about it to these 2 close friends of mine, (For the purpose of this blog I have changed the names of family, friends, and others mentioned for privacy purposes) Shaina and Skyler.
It’s something that seems so small and obvious yet the emotions and feeling like I was crazy had previously kept me from trying to communicate what I had experienced. Granted aside from Shaina and Skyler I kept quiet to everyone else, at the time. However, knowing there was an actual human I felt like I could communicate to, changed things. So much so that I didn’t experience another attack until just after graduation which was 7 months after.
I know it can feel like a daunting task, especially when you feel like no one else gets it, but the first step that I recommend, purely because it helped me, find someone you love and trust and open up about this feeling, as it sometimes can consume you. It really makes a difference, more than you realize. It lessens some of the pressure you feel on and in yourself and allows you to put it all into words which can help provide a sense of compassion for yourself. Remember that some steps may be smaller than others, but the most important thing is that you are taking a step toward healing.
I will leave you here for today and hope that you are able to take your first step and find that person you can confide in.
Until next time, be nice to yourself xo