WARNING!! This post is sexual in nature and may be explicit to some.
Hello wonderful humans! I hope everyone is beginning to think about Xmas shopping as it’s only a few weeks away. In my last post, I mentioned “Mind-reading” which I wanted to touch on quickly. I realize that it still happens to me occasionally, but I also notice that quite a few people have this happening to them as well. I think a huge factor, especially, these days, is there’s such a lack of communication on one end. Whether it’s a relationship, friendship, issues with family, etc. it seems that there is always one side that just won’t communicate what they’re actually feeling or thinking and this causes a lot of turmoil and turns the smallest of issues into a huge problem. I also realize some may see not communicating their feelings as avoiding conflict, however, I believe, this is what creates the conflict. When I mentioned to “self-disclose” in my last post, it wasn’t to look for reassurance but rather to let the specific party know what you’re feeling and in by doing so, hopefully opens the way to a civil conversation lessening the “mind-reading”. What those who are keeping quiet don’t realize is, that by not willing to talk, anxiety is brewing, and worry is taking over. I’ve been wanting to read this book called “A Liberating Mind” by Steven C. Hayes PHD, as it has a lot of great insight into this topic. I will let everyone know my thoughts on the book in a later post, however, if you would like to jump and grab a copy before I do so, I got mine on Amazon.ca. With my thoughts on the above, today’s post doesn’t veer too far away. It takes place the winter after I returned from my summer in Italy. Let’s get down to it!
It was January and Antonio and I had started to see one another often again once I returned from Italy. Part of the reason we had slowed our friendship down was the fact that we got so close, physically and emotionally, it was bringing all sorts of feelings in my direction. I had kept quiet for a while in the hopes it would go away, I mean we weren’t in a relationship and we both had sexual relationships with others and not just one another but I was receiving a secure feeling from him and when we weren’t together we were in constant contact every day. I knew very well that he didn’t have those feelings for me and before we took our break I had communicated how I was feeling to Lauren and Sydney. They told me they thought he had those feelings too as they said they could tell by his actions towards me. Well, this created a whole thing where I believed them instead of listening to what Antonio said from the beginning; he doesn’t want a relationship. I thought, since we’ve been carrying on this way for a year, he must of changed his mind. Still, I said nothing to him and continued to believe Lauren and Sydney were right. BIG MISTAKE! I learned my lesson when we were a few days away from leaving Colombia, during that first visit, as we laid in a hammock together, I told him. His response; “Oh Shit!” boy did that hurt. Instead of listening to Antonio I listened to my girlfriends, who of course, didn’t have a clue what he was thinking or feeling but only assumed. What I should of done, when I realized feelings were developing for me, was talk directly to Antionio and slow things down then and there. Our little break, however, was what we both needed and when he reached out, I knew I was ready to resume a friendship with him.
We began discussing a winter escape and he decided he was going to visit his family in Colombia for a couple of months again and I would join him in the last few weeks of his visit like last time. This time we would begin in Bogota but end in Margarita Island, Venezuela or so I thought, but more on that later. When I arrived at the end of February, Antonio was waiting for me in the same spot as last time. He took me dancing along with some of his cousins and we ended the night at one of their places. The next morning, we were up and atom for our 7am flight to Cucuta! We hadn’t planned on staying there long as this city was just the easiest to drive to San Cristobal, Venezuela from and we were to head out the following afternoon. This is not what happened! Antonio’s friend was to meet us at the border where we would spend the night and make our way to the beach the next day, his friend, however, was unavailable and we ended up in Cucuta a little bit longer. Not a huge deal, even with anxiety I was fairly good at just flowing with the plans. When we finally heard from his friend, I made sure all my documents were in order, some countries need a visa to visit Venezuela though Canada does not. Even still, I had contacted the Venezuelan embassy before leaving Canada to make sure of this and though it was correct information, they sent me a letter of advisement in case I had any trouble crossing the border by land. Well, this did not deter border control giving me the run-around.
The border was made up of 2 booths – 1 where they do the regular inspection of visas and passports and stamp you on through. When they had asked for my visa I gave them the letter to which they gave my passport back and I thought we were all good. Booth 2, however, took my passport and within seconds I was hauled from the vehicle along with all my luggage. Booth 1 had not stamped my passport which meant I did not have permission to enter, as I had not looked at my passport when it was returned, I had no clue. Once they finished searching my luggage they advised I had to go back to boot 1, pay the equivalent of $100CAD, and come back with a stamp. Easy right? Wrong, the traffic on both sides was backed up and would take us close to another hour and a half to get back through. So, what does one do in a sticky situation such as this? Hitch a ride on a motorcycle of course! Antonio suggested we flag 2 people on motorcycles down so we could bypass the traffic. Here, those on motorcycles do not have to wait in the traffic like everyone else, they are allowed to drive in between the lanes, so, that’s what we did. We found 2 gentlemen willing to bring us to booth 1 and back for the equivalent of $25CAD each. They were lovely and waited until things with my passport got sorted and brought us straight back to our vehicle and I suppose in hindsight that could of gone a lot worse but an adventure was had that I will always remember. I was also proud that my anxiety hadn’t kicked in during this whole debacle even though it was quite stressful. It showed me how resilient I was becoming and made me feel more confident in myself. When we finally reached San Cristobal I was hungry and ready to stretch my legs, though was I able to relax? You guessed it, I was not. His friend had other plans and dropped us at a bus station where we then needed to take a 24-hour bus ride to get to Puerto la Cruz to then take a 5-hour ferry to Margarita Island. “NOPE! No chance,” I said. Since Puerto la Cruz had a beach and decent hotels, I made an executive decision that we would stay there. After our upcoming 24-hour bus ride, I would be in no mood to get on any form of transportation until it was time to go home.
We arrived in Puerto la Cruz after a full day on a bus. Granted we were awarded an hour’s lunch as well as the wait time in Caracas, but still, I had enough of the bus. The sun was beating down on us as we waited for another friend to pick us up at the station and bring us to check out the hotels near the beach. Once we chose one, settled, and showered, I packed a beach bag and we walked the 5 minutes to the sand and sea. Puerto la Cruz was a charming port city with beautiful beaches and I was more than content to stay there. We spent our time relaxing in the day and partying in the evening. Of course, we recommenced our sexy times together which was still as good as ever and I was happy that my intimate feelings for him did not return. As we explored the area and sampled the delicious cuisine, we really re-connected as the friends we always were.
This post is meant to show the resilience you have inside you and how, even in stressful times, you can get through it. I tried hard to practice the coping mechanisms I’d learned and give them a chance to allow them to work and they did 😊 You are resilient and I believe those with anxiety and panic disorders are some of the most resilient as it can be a constant in your day to day.
Be kind to yourself xo