WARNING!! This post is sexual in nature and may be explicit to some.
Hey lovely humans! Hope everyone is doing fantastic. As I mentioned in my previous post, it was a 2 parter, so I’ll be talking within the same time period only it will be focusing more on how my boyfriend at the time was handling it and what the relationship did to my mental health. So, with that, let’s get on with it!
Before the therapist and the daily intrusive thoughts along with the fear, I met a boy. We’ll call him Jack. When our relationship hit around the 8- or 9-month mark, enough time where our relationship was becoming serious, I decided it was time to tell him about my panic attacks. I hadn’t had one in front of him as of yet but I did, sometimes, have that weird feeling, anxiety, though never long enough that I’d had to mention it to him. It was obvious that I was nervous about broaching this topic with him and I wracked my brain with how, where, and when this would happen.
One day when I got to his place, I put my bag in his room, poured us a stiff drink, and told him. I basically just came out with it all, like ripping a Band-Aid off. He had the usual questions that most people had after I’d told them. What brings them on? Have you tried yoga? Why do they happen? I tried to answer them to the best of my abilities but the only question I had a definite answer for was, “Yes, I’ve tried yoga”. He didn’t seem too concerned; he didn’t seem much of anything. I wasn’t sure how to perceive that as it could have been he didn’t care and nothing would change or maybe he thought I was a bit nuts.
During then and up until the point where I decided to see a therapist, I’d had a handful of attacks in front of him. He wasn’t completely sure of what to do so I just practiced my deep breathing and took little walks. He wasn’t being insensitive, just lost, which I couldn’t blame him for. This unknown thing was happening, and we didn’t know why. However, when the time did come for the therapist, he had become annoyed. As much as the attacks were affecting me, they were also affecting him, just in a different way. When I got to that point, where I was so consumed with fear, he said he couldn’t take it anymore and that I just need to STOP! He began to yell obscenities at me, calling me names and would complain to his family, in front of me, that I was weak.
Why didn’t I leave him then you might ask. Well, I was still young trying to help myself and learn what was going on and …. I loved him. He was my first everything really, especially in terms of sexual activity and intimacy. Speaking of sex, for those 5 months it was difficult for me to do it, I was always anxious and his being sexually deprived on top of being frustrated wasn’t a good combo and I was hit with another fear; talking to him about this. I knew it was affecting him but I didn’t expect him to become so disrespectful, there was no need for that.
When I started seeing the therapist, Jack calmed down with his attitude towards me though he was changing, I could feel it and others saw it. I tried to just ignore it but, in all honesty, it got to me and I wondered what my relationship was becoming. After the first 3 sessions, I was gaining some of my confidence back and the anxiety was slowly getting better, giving me the boost and courage I needed to face what was happening in my relationship head-on. So, I sat Jack down to have a serious discussion about how this newfound persona of his was making me feel and how it was slightly contributing to the anxiety I was working to get a grasp on. He denied that he was any different and chalked it up to my anxiety. Not getting anywhere with him or the conversation I decided to stop trying.
A couple of months later, while I was improving with my anxiety, Jack was getting worse. After having caught him in a few lies I shouldn’t have been surprised by what I caught him doing next…. sleeping with another woman. In that moment my fears and anxiety seemed the furthest from my mind. I told him I didn’t want to see him again, took my things, and left. With the anxiety, I wasn’t even sure if I could be brave enough in surprising situations such as this, as I felt like all the strength and energy my fears and attacks were consuming wouldn’t allow me to. I had it all wrong! At that moment I knew I was still strong; I just needed a push to find it again.
Suffice it to say our relationship was over. I used the strength, that had been hidden, to not answer his calls of apology and move on past the break-up. It took time and it wasn’t easy, but I knew in my heart it was what I needed and that it was no longer serving me, even contributing to my anxiousness. There will be certain people that enter your life that won’t understand what mental illness is and that’s ok if they are willing to learn. If one of those people happens to be a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, partner, or lover, and they are not willing to listen or learn what you’re going through, don’t let them knock you down. It may not be easy, especially if, like me, being blinded by love or confusing that person as a safety net but, once you begin to feel like it’s making your panic and anxiety worse, take action. Don’t let them be a contributing factor. Remember, you are so brave and carry the strength you may not know you have.
I am happily married now and did have relationships along the way to finding him, but my panic and anxiety didn’t deter every partner just like it doesn’t my husband. Most were really supportive when I needed it. When I first began dating my husband, he actually went online and researched my specific mental illness and even took the time to find ways to help that I may not have heard of that I might want to try. No one I had dated before ever did that. With that said, just know there are compassionate humans you can have relationships with. Just because we, at times, maybe with someone who is too ignorant to learn and/or be there for us, isn’t the end all be all. Put your needs when it comes to mental health first. It can be difficult but it can be done and will lead you to that wonderful human you deserve 😊 and if, like me at the beginning, you feel like the panic and anxiety is taking all your strength, reach deep down, it’s there.
Be kind to yourself xo