Sex and the Anxious Girl 

*CAUTION!! Today’s post is sexual in nature and may be explicit to some* 

Hey everyone 😊 Long time no write!!  Summer is such a busy time, not only for me but I’m sure for everyone.  Living in a city with more cold and grey months than sunny and hot, we tend to squish all we can in those three and a half months.  Today we’re going to discuss what it’s like to have sexual relationships with an anxiety disorder, not just with your special someone but if you’re single or in an open relationship as well.  Not only do some feel like sex can be such a taboo topic but for me, it definitely is not.  I don’t believe in calling someone a slut or whore or a playboy and neither should anyone else as there is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive or multiple partners, as long as it’s consenting, respectful and safe.  With that, let’s get down to business 😉 

I mentioned in a previous post that I had a long-term relationship a while back.  I also mentioned that once that ended, I had some wild experiences with Antonio.  Those experiences lead me to explore more, sexually, despite anxiety and panic sometimes being at its peak.  I can’t say that I had a panic attack during intercourse, however, sometimes I would feel anxious after the fact.  In those situations, I wouldn’t let the person I was having sex with know what I was feeling and more often than not it would dissipate quickly.  If it didn’t, there were a few steps I would take to ensure it wouldn’t end up in a full-blown attack.  

First and as mentioned above, the sexual relations I speak of were all consensual and not the cause of the anxiety, the anxiety itself comes unannounced and out of nowhere.  However, if the anxiety didn’t dissipate I would get out of bed and go to the washroom to splash cold water on my face.  This is especially good if a panic attack comes on.  A therapist once told me that when a panic attack hits out of nowhere, cold water can help you break out of your thoughts and “shock” you into the present.  What she specifically said was to dunk my head in ice water for a few seconds and though I haven’t dunked my head I have used ice on my neck or cold water on my face.  It also helps that if you’re not wanting for this person to know what is going on, none would be the wiser about what you’re doing in the bathroom.  As I am more than open about my struggles with anxiety now, back then I didn’t tell people who I was only seeing for “booty calls” so to speak so it was also a great way to just get a moment to myself. 

When I first started exploring sexually it could sometimes be overwhelming.  Not being the most experienced but having sex with someone who is would make me a little self-conscious.  I would wonder if I was doing it right or to their liking and as much as I was enjoying it I wanted to make sure they were as well.  I will tell you that worrying about something like that, to me anyway, is silly.  Of course, we all want to be great in bed but it isn’t something we should worry about or cause anxiety to run through us.  Sex is supposed to be enjoyable and fun!  Getting that personal and intimate with someone else, feeling pleasure run through you, isn’t supposed to cause anxiety or make you wonder if you’re up to standard.  Set your own standard and do what feels right for you.  I can’t stress enough the importance of speaking up if a sexual partner is into something you’re not particularly fond of.  Always voice if you feel like something isn’t right.  Sometimes this is a discussion that can be had prior to, depending on the type of relationship, if any, you are in.  It didn’t take me too long to realize that I shouldn’t be anxious about being “good enough” and for me to explore what I like, and try things I hadn’t before whether it was a different position or toys.  What led me to this realization was some good ol’ fashion girl talk.  Friends have such good advice and listen to your concerns without judgment.  They draw on their own experiences which helps us gain more insight into what it is we want and think about the boundaries to set.  

This brings me to my next point; boundaries!  Boundaries are a wonderful thing and do alleviate some of the anxiety that I had after.  As I always used my voice when I didn’t care for something sexually, I hadn’t quite set the boundaries, at the beginning, like I should of.  It became common sense to me and as I voiced my opinion on what I didn’t like I also started to voice what I did and what I wanted more of.  We all have our likes in the bedroom, fetishes if you will and the only way you will be able to get those from a lover is to make them known.  This used to be scary for me, what if I liked something they thought was weird?? What then?  The girl talk is very helpful with this too and more often than not, your sexual partner will be into what you’re into as well.  

  I will use me and Antonio’s experience at the “Members Only Club” to bring this to an end.  This was something I did not think I could ever do.  Though we were not the ones to have “public relations” at the club, its very much implied that this is something we, just like everyone else, is comfortable with.  Yes, I do not mind if I am in a controlled environment and one decides to have public sex, I mean, good for you, as long as I am not a party to please go on.  But, we were obviously there to experience, for a night, what this lifestyle is like.  We did take a dip into the large hot tub and met some couples that were close in age and we did not have sex with them but rather have drinks, share some kisses and get to know what this lifestyle is like from their perspective.  I won’t get into detail about the conversation but I bring this up because for someone who has anxiety and panic disorder, this is a situation I did know if I could handle.  I would like to say, this was one of the most fun times I had had in a long time.  I didn’t feel anxiety but rather more understanding that this doesn’t have to be such a taboo topic.  Everyone was comfortable in themselves and there was no judgement anywhere.  You were free to do what you wanted and rules were in place to ensure that if you didn’t want to do anything you did not have to.  Everyone was respectful and it was at this time where the anxiety faded for me.  I’m not suggesting everyone needs to experience this to alleviate anxiety but being so open about it with others who had no judgement, showed me there was nothing to be anxious over.  

Again I must stress, when I say “nothing to be anxious over” I mean everything is consensual.  If you ever, and I mean ever, feel uncomfortable with someone and don’t want to do anything or change your mind, you are allowed and should not be berated or coerced into anything.  This post is just to help with the anxiety that sex can sometimes bring when it is respectful and consensual.  Being in the club, around respectful humans that wait for consent, showed me that sex doesn’t have to be “bad” or “wrong” if it’s not with your life partner.  Do what feels right for you, take time to breath and always remember to know what you’re worth and what you like and that you will accept nothing else 😉  

Be kind to yourself xo