Hello Everyone! I hope the wishy-washy Autumn weather hasn’t spoiled anyone’s outdoor fun. I know there was a bit of a hiatus but with September in full swing, all my classes and training were back in full force. Today’s post follows the timeline, 6 months after I came back from Colombia in the last post. With that, let’s get on with it, shall we 😊
It was summer now and although Antonio and I were still friends, my visits to Montreal had been few and far between. We had kept up our every weekend adventures for a year and had begun to focus on other things for the moment. We still saw each other just not as often. When August arrived, I had gone through a pretty rigorous process to get a job I really wanted and after about a month-long process I was finally awarded the position. When I came in for the first day, the office administrator who we’ll call Dakota, was the first person I met. *Spoiler Alert- we’re still good friends today* Dakota was kind with a positive demeanor and welcomed me straight away. I could feel such a bright light in her and knew she was someone I wanted to know more about, which didn’t take too long as she was a fellow smoker to take my breaks with and, for those who don’t know me well, I’m a talker, who can and will talk about anything and everything. So, before I knew it, we were bonding and getting to know each other.
Dakota and I, however, had a lot of different interests, which wasn’t a bad thing it just clashed sometimes. Take our music tastes for example, I am a HUGE Britney Spears fan and I love reggaeton and salsa music as I also dance to it and love “Latin Nights” when they happen in different establishments around the city. Dakota on the other hand loves a mix of rock, rap, and bluegrass/folk music, sometimes all rolled into one. Whenever there was a party or a long drive in the car, let’s just say my music choices weren’t the fan favorite in her world. Despite this, we maintained our hangouts which almost became a nightly tradition. Dakota also wasn’t aware of my anxiety just yet. Though we were getting closer we still worked together and that was something I kept separate. I was still scared of being judged by my employer and also feared they may evaluate my work performance on the basis of anxiety or even give them a different opinion of me that I may not be able to handle the job, especially because I had quotas to fill on a monthly basis. But by not opening up to Dakota after a few months of friendship, our different personalities would make a bigger appearance. She’s very laid back and although I like to think I am in most scenarios, I AM A LOT!! Even before I was hit with anxiety and panic, I was a lot. What I mean by this is, I get excited easily, I can get very hyper when I am excited or looking forward to something, I talk and talk a lot – it’s not very quiet with me, when I’m really trying to avoid something negative happening around I’ll get really spontaneous and try to plan an outing or party to bring the positive back in the room, and as you know I dance! Not just in classes or in shows but I will dance around my apartment for no reason, even when I’m cleaning. The music will be loud and I’ll be shaking it across my apartment with my Swiffer in hand. I dance when I’m in line at the supermarket, not anything big but I’ll move my hips to the song that’s playing or shimmy along. Now don’t get me wrong, I also deal with negative and sad emotions and I may not do the above to make myself feel better but you will be able to read more about my coping strategies below 😊 But with me being a lot and Dakota not realizing I have anxiety which sometimes heighten these traits, it sometimes caused me to seem a little intense. At parties, I would get up and dance, try to get people to get up and dance with me, try to make games happen, etc. One day, however, she did broach this subject with me and I was honest with her. I am a lot and since having been hit with anxiety and panic attacks it seems that it’s caused certain traits to heighten. She understood completely. She didn’t judge me for any of it, she did something I really appreciated, she was honest with me and communicated how she felt. In turn, I was honest with her. This is also a testament to our friendship and how far we’ve come as we’ve now been friends for 15 years 😊 and this post is dedicated to her!!
Not only has my anxiety caused this trait to be heightened it sometimes causes me to have heightened negative emotions. I sometimes feel things so much stronger than I used to and what I mean by this is, when I’m sad I can sometimes cry so hard I can’t see through the tears, when I’m angry I can cry so long and hard it will sound like I’m hyperventilating, and when I’ve made a mistake, I can be so hard on myself that I will stay in bed all day and repeat my wrongdoing in my head to figure out how I can make it right and not do it again. This last one is less than pleasant and to be honest I am still trying to find out how to properly deal with this one. As I have mentioned in previous posts I still work with a therapist at times and this really helps, to be able to let it all out on the table and utilize her advice to help me cope. One of the things she has been helping me with is self-compassion. Trying to help me realize that everyone makes mistakes, even if they are sometimes repeated. She has also suggested that we reflect on the day and sometimes the week leading up to when that mistake was made, write it down, and discuss it with her to work to see if we can get to a root cause as to why I keep repeating. I do suggest if access to a therapist is not available, speak to one of your closest friends or family members and go over what you’ve written down. What was going on the day or week to lead to this repetitive mistake? It can sometimes unleash answers you were definitely not expecting as it’s sometimes not obvious to us. Can you pick out a pattern in each of these times? Oftentimes, I will find a pattern after I’ve reflected and spoken with her and it helps me be able to work on the progress so this mistake doesn’t re-occur. But depending on my mistake or mishap it does take time, as it’s a process which I sometimes forget and want to be fixed right away. Yes I am also impatient at times but will admit to being ok with this.
As you all know, I’m big on resources when I can’t see my therapist and my dad actually recommended this book that really opens your mind when dealing with certain emotions, it’s called: “Letting Go – The Pathway of Surrender” by Dr. David R. Hawkins. I will say that it’s not a book you can sit and read for hours on end but it is a book that speaks of effective ways of letting go of negativity and I definitely recommend it. Especially, if like me, you have heightened emotions and tend to feel certain things a lot stronger.
Working on the heightened negative emotions is a process in and of itself. One I have not mastered yet but am trying to, especially when it comes to making mistakes, big or small. Luckily, apart from my therapist, I have a great support network of girlfriends. We’ve built a sort of foundation for one another where we can have open and honest communications with one another as well as go out and have fun. You ladies know who you are 😊 and as for me being A LOT…I am no longer sorry for it. Really I don’t think I ever was but I no longer worry about it. It’s who I am and I like to be overly excited and dance in supermarkets. Never be sorry for who you are! If it is something that makes you feel any negative emotion or has a negative impact on your family and friendships, then I definitely encourage you to reflect and begin the process to help you grow.
Be kind to yourself xo