Anxiety and new Beginnings

WARNING!! This post is sexual in nature and may be explicit to some.

Hello lovely humans! I hope everyone is doing well.  Last post I got into some fairly upsetting territory that happened a few years ago and I wanted to mention something that, I feel, needs to be put out there.  Healing is a process, whether you suffer from a mental illness or not.  There is no factual timeline in the healing stages and when you’ve been with someone for a long time and it ends, regardless of the reason, it still sucks and hurts your heart.  Don’t let anyone tell you “You should be over this by now”, because that’s not how it works.  I do, however, agree with having support from those you trust and trying new things, and getting out of your comfort zone to help you move on and heal.  I say this because these next few posts are going to begin about 3 months after the breakup with Jack and continue over the course of a couple of years and these couple of years helped me tremendously!  My anxiety and panic attacks subsided dramatically and it’s really where my journey into healing, coping, and living with it in a way where I felt fantastic began.  With that, let’s go!

It was springtime and I had slowly started getting out with my friends again.  Up until then, it was mostly me, friends, and their significant others, hanging out at their place, drinking beer and/or wine and, that’s pretty much it.  But it had been 3 months since the breakup and I finally started “getting my groove back”.  A friend’s birthday was coming up, we’ll call her Lauren, and she was planning a weekend getaway to Montreal.  I packed my Guess bag and piled into her car.  On the way we picked up her friend, whom we’ll call Sydney, whom I’d met once at a party.  It was a girl’s weekend I knew I’d never forget.

When we arrived in Montreal it was late afternoon and Lauren reminded us that we’d be staying with a friend of hers from South America, we’ll call him Antonio.  I was nervous, to say the least as she chatted about how good-looking and fun he was.  Here I am a 22-year-old girl who’s only had one boyfriend and wasn’t very experienced. That with a mix of heartbreak began to cause some slight anxiety.  We pulled up on a quiet, tree-lined street just off one of the main downtown roads and parked in front of his building.  It was one of those townhouses my mum and I used to say looked like Carrie Bradshaw’s from “Sex and the City”.  I was so distracted by my phone while we made our way to Antonio’s door that I didn’t even notice when Lauren rang the doorbell.  Next thing I knew the door opened to someone who would end up being a huge part of my anxiety journey and one of my best friends! I stood at the door almost dumbfounded, Antonio was beautiful!  His smile could light up a room.  He was like a Latino model from a “Harlequin Romance” novel. As he said his hello’s I snapped out of it and picked my jaw up off the floor just in time for Lauren to introduce us.

When it was almost time to head out for the evening and I was ready for the night, anxiety began to creep its way in.  Had I forgotten how to flirt? I worried.  I hadn’t been single in quite a few years.  I was alone in the kitchen doing some deep breathing when Antonio walked in.  I reorganized myself and just started putting the essentials in my evening purse.  Keeping my hands busy tended to help when I wasn’t full-blown and I didn’t want this gorgeous specimen to find out what was happening inside me.  “How old are you?” he then asked breaking me out of my thoughts.  “22” I answered.  He then replied “Wow, just a baby”, and before I say anything else he was cupping my cheek and pulling me into a kiss.  When we finished my cheeks flushed and he smiled.  Just like that, any worry I had disappeared.

The evening was a blast!  Danced all night and then came back to Antonio’s and partied some more.  Once all of us finished “partying” in a way I had never ever imagined before 😉, the girls went to bed.  Antonio and I, however, seemed to have had different plans.  He guided me to the next room where, you could say, we “bonded” and I experienced so many feelings I didn’t know I could.  I guess you can say it was more than sensual and I knew I wanted to keep experiencing more.

The next day when we packed up and headed for the door, we all said our goodbyes.  As Antonio hugged me and gave me one more kiss, I told him I definitely wanted to come back and he agreed.  This marked the beginning of one of my closest friendships, one of my closest allies and confidants and therefore I am dedicating this post to you 😊

This post may not have been anxiety and panic focused but I wanted to include it because it’s truly where I started taking risks, conquering fears, and being outside my comfort zone and began to heal and live with anxiety.  It’s so easy to tell someone, “Just don’t be scared” but those phrases can throw someone off and possibly cause even more anxiety.  But I will say, if there are things you would like to do (that are safe and legal) give it a try.  Fear consumes us and breaking free and trying something for the first time can be so liberating.  It also takes power away from the fear.  Do what makes you happy.  In this case, flirting and being near someone, oh so insanely HOT, was a fear for me as I hadn’t been with anyone except Jack since I was young.  The anxiety quickly went away and again all I needed was a little push 😉 maybe your “push” isn’t so far away.

Be kind to yourself xo