WARNING!! This post is sexual in nature and may be explicit to some.
Hello Everyone!! I hope everybody is taking in as much of the summer as possible now September is right around the corner. Today we’re going to continue through the same time period as the last post, only we’re going to jump to the beginning of summer. I want to add that some of my posts may not totally be anxiety and panic-attack-focused but it all contributes to what helped and how. Learning to cope takes time, there isn’t exactly a quick fix but there are things you can do to alleviate it in the moment, we just have to make sure that is serves us in the long term. With that, here we go!
Since the first meeting with Antonio, we had seen one another every weekend and we always seemed to make a plan to do different things. I went down on the May long weekend and he and his friend, who we’ll call Rogelio, whom I also became close with, took me to an amusement park and encouraged me to get on rides I was once scared of. They let me squeeze the shit out of their hands and promised I wouldn’t regret it and they were right! I got on almost every ride that I once wouldn’t even of contemplated.
It was now the first official weekend of summer and I arrived back in Montreal for the weekend. During the day on Saturday, we ventured into the downtown area and reveled in whichever festival was on that weekend. I had an impulsive idea that Antonio and I should go and get massages before heading out for the evening. As we made our way to a nearby spa, we headed in for an hour of relaxation. Massages were sometimes an activity that would bring on anxiety, I know, weird right? It was just one of those things where you’re in the quiet for so long that your thoughts come in waves. Also, I think I was psyching myself out by anticipating the anxiety. This time when I felt it coming on, I focused on my breath, the soft spa music, and the touch of the masseur. It helped but there were periodic thoughts that would flit in and out. I would think about the logic, just as in the book the therapist talked about, I mean, what danger was I really in in that moment? None! My “fight or flight” was responding in those moments and I still didn’t understand why. I made it through the whole massage which was a win, though I wished I had enjoyed it more. Still, we have to take the wins when they come and I focused on that.
The next day, Antonio, Rogelio, and I were going to try out a place just a little outside Montreal called “Beach Club”, which is essentially a “nightclub” during the day, on the beach. Oftentimes they’ll even have famous singers like Daddy Yankee and Sean Paul perform. We arrived in the late afternoon and the place was packed! It boasted a wooden platform where the dancing took place and a bar area that was set up like a tropical tiki. We ordered pitchers of sangria and danced until sunset, well until it closed. The effects of the alcohol began hitting and Antonio and I started to become promiscuous on a quiet part of the beach. It was most definitely a first but thrilling nonetheless. I knew we were further down from where anyone was so I decided to take a chance, and a fun chance it was!
A few weekends after that, the 3 of us decided to try something very different. I arrived back in Montreal on Friday and we went to Antonio’s place to have some wine and plan out the evening. We decided we were going to check out a different kind of club, a private, members-only club. I can’t quite remember the name of this club, only that it was a woman’s name so we’ll call it “Cherry”. We arrived at a dimly lit foyer with an antique-looking, long rug and red velvet ropes on either side leading to a mahogany hostess desk. The woman behind it looked to be in her early 50s and wore a black, feathered sweater or shall with a black skirt. She greeted us and asked if we were members and when we said we weren’t she told us the annual rates for singles and couples and advised that there was also an entrance fee per visit. The members’ rate wasn’t too high and you weren’t forced to renew either so we decided, fuck it, let’s do it!
The hostess then explained the rules of conduct and what happens when you don’t follow them. One of the rules, however, was you could only wear a white towel. You were allowed to keep your bra and panties on underneath or even a bathing suit though. Along with our members’ cards, they gave us a key to a locker in a changing room to leave our belongings, especially our phones and once we were clad in our cotton towels we entered the main room. It boasted plush, white couches against the walls, 2 stripper poles, a small dance floor, and a bar that stood next to an open doorway. “We need drinks!” I said and I was serious as this was totally somewhere I hadn’t thought I’d ever be. Once we had drinks in hand we explored the rest of the place starting with the doorway next to the bar, which led to a room that was basically one giant hot tub. I will say, that after a few drinks, Antonio and I ventured in and made some new friends 
. At the other end of the hot tub room was another open doorway that led to another dimly lit hallway with 3 chandeliers lining the red ceiling. The hallway had three options to choose from; an elevator to a block of rooms that could be rented for the evening, an entry to another room similar to the main room only smaller, and another entry to a room meant for those who were, even more free. We checked out both rooms eventually but spent most of our time between the hot tub and the main room.
As the night went on we danced on the small dance floor, chatted with a few others who frequented the establishment, and drank cocktails made with premium alcohol. When we decided to call it a night and emerged from the club, we were shocked to see the sun had risen and it was 6am!!
The stories above are meant to show the different directions I took with anxiety and allowed myself to open my mind. I sometimes would get butterflies from deciding to enter different territories but it gave me a thrill and any worry I had going in, I conquered, and when the experience was done, I felt so free and proud that I made myself do it. New experiences can open your world to so many possibilities, no matter what they are. Take a step into the unknown (as long as it’s safe and legal) and you’ll be happy you did. Your anxiety begins to subside when you don’t allow it to interfere with your decisions and makes you feel…great!!
Be kind to yourself xo