Hello everyone!! I hope you all had a great summer, in our case, a bit of an extended one 😊 Today, we are going to talk a bit about dating in the new age. Now I’ve been out of the game for a few years; however, I do have a few friends and friends of friends who are on the dating scene, and from what I’ve been witnessing, it seems there are more “rules and regulations” than ever. There is also something I have learned about “anxious attachment” in the first few months of dating someone, which can sometimes continue into the relationship and become more hindering than anything else. Now, I’m no expert on any of these things, but from what I’ve seen and heard from friends who are in these situations, I decided to dive into some research and chat to my therapist about what “anxious attachment” is. With that, let’s get crackin!
The first thing I have learned by looking and listening around those in the first few months, no scratch that, weeks of dating, is the rules around texting. These days, I feel like texting has taken up so much of dating that it almost feels like it’s the pathway to get to know someone, rather than doing it on a first date. Sure, it’s a good way to get a feel for the person, but is it really the most effective way to actually get to know them? It doesn’t show you the person’s behaviours in person, say, at a restaurant. Personally, I like to see the reactions of those I’m on a date with when I tell them what I do for work, or my passions, or that I have an incessant need to keep talking in awkward silences. I also want to gauge how they treat those in a position of client service. I used to be a server/bartender, and the way my potential partner treats them says a lot about their personality.
Still on the topic of texting, I know there is some 3 or 5-day rule that some follow after they’ve met someone, but really, what is that showing? Independence? If you meet someone and you’re interested, why can’t we send the first message the next day? Maybe not a clingy, intense message, but how about a “Hey, it was good to meet you last night” and see where that takes you. If the other person reciprocates your message with actual words and not the dreaded “tumbs-up,” I’d say that’s a pretty good sign that they’re open to either continuing the conversation or setting a meeting up. I could be way out of left field, but perhaps that first text is an opening. If they don’t answer and I mean don’t answer after a couple of days, I would think that’s a pretty good sign that they aren’t into it or they’re keeping it in their back pocket for a possible “booty call”. If you’re into just that, go for it! I’ve done it. But it’s important to know that that’s what it is. It’s a “booty call” and casual, and more often than not, nothing more, nor will it be anything more. So if you’re truly ok with it being just casual, sometimes hook-ups, then great. But guard your feelings, which brings me to my next point…
Casual relationships! I’ve had a few of those, and I feel like the most important aspect of this, in any relationship, is honest communication. But I feel like when you’re going to have a casual relationship with someone, rules need to be established ahead of time. Too many times have I witnessed someone or have been the person who enters this type of relationship, and the ground rules have yet to be established, and someone gets hurt. Oftentimes, mixed signals end up being the factor. Are you allowed to sleep with others? Is this a “booty call” only type deal? Are we going to go on dates? I feel as though if you are going to have that conversation and can find the time to say “all I can do is casual” or “I’m not into anything serious right now” you can find the time to set ground rules and avoid confusion or someone possibly getting hurt.
Now I can appreciate that even though rules have been made and everyone involved has agreed or responded with “yes, that’s exactly what I want to” or “I get it and I’m up for casual” sometimes the meaning of casual doesn’t quite stick with one of the people involved. I’ve seen it happen, and you’ve read something similar when it came to Antonio and me at the beginning; feelings can sometimes develop. I urge you, if this happens, either communicate it to the other person or shut it down. When you signed up for this, casual and what that meant to both of you was agreed upon. Some will create stories in their heads to build up what the other is feeling, or create a future of a serious relationship based on how they perceive the other’s actions. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Communicate or end it. If you decide to communicate it, which I prefer, you may not get the answer you want, but at least it will be clear. You may still feel hurt or sad for a bit, but it’s better to know at the onset rather than drag it out and let your feelings grow even more. This will also save you the anxiety of wondering what the other person is thinking or what they might be doing if they’re not responding to your texts.
Which brings me to…“Anxious Attachment Style”. It was explained to me that it’s a fear of abandonment, insecurity and a very strong need for reassurance in relationships. When a relationship is just starting off or even if you’ve been together for a few months, sometimes longer, you need to constantly ask your partner to reassure you of their feelings for you. This, in turn, can harm the relationship as some may not be so receptive to this style and won’t have the patience for it. What may feel good for you, asking for this, may not give you the outcome you want. This can cause someone to become “clingy” or “needy” and will only feel fulfillment if they consistently receive this reassurance from their partner. This can cause undue stress on your partner as they will feel like everything is normal, things are progressing the way they should, but to have the other continually asking “are you ok” after 10 minutes without a response from a text, this puts a strain on things.
I’ve also researched and have been told that what causes this attachment style can vary from person to person, just like any form of anxiety. The one that seems to be the most prominent, however, is “inconsistent caregiving during childhood”. It’s possible their caregivers were mostly unavailable, and their needs weren’t being met when they should have been. There are other reasons we can experience this type of attachment style as well, if you were ghosted in the past or had a traumatic relationship, which has now caused issues in your ability to trust. All this is very understandable and isn’t your fault.
There are ways to soothe these feelings and progressively slow and manage them. Getting to the root cause via therapy is one way. Working with a therapist to pinpoint how this could have begun and then work on healing from within, will allow you to look at it from a different view, and it will lessen. Another way, back to something I completely advocate for, “CBT” and challenge your thoughts. There are worksheets and workbooks that I have suggested in previous posts; however, I also want to reiterate, the first few times you do this, it’s better in the presence of a professional to ensure it’s being done properly in a safe space. One other thing I have researched is the a[[ “Headway”. Like many things, you will have to pay for certain items in this app, however, when you first sign on to it, there is a 3-minute questionnaire that asks you what type of topics you’re looking to learn/read/make improvements on. This will create a homepage with book ideas and “Free Daily Summary” which will include one of those books. You may not get to read everything if you don’t pay, but at least it can give you an idea of what to read based on your selections at the beginning.
One book that I have read and have also done some of the workbook is “Unfuck Your Brain” by Faith G. Harper, PHD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN. Honestly, it cuts the bullshit you sometimes have to read more than half a book to get to the points and parts you’re looking for. It’s a no-nonsense, direct approach, which is something I value, and it really helps with worrying and intrusive thoughts.
I will leave you here today and hope I was able to provide some helpful thoughts and advice😊 Happy Thanksgiving
Be kind to yourself xo